6 weeks

I have 6 weeks until baby boy makes his grand entrance (unless he surprises us, of course.) My emotions are great and varied. I remember similar emotions right before Norah was born. I felt sentimental of the time I'd lose, alone with Brian. I felt nervous thinking I'd become weary of being a full-time mom. I did lose some time with Brian, but the blessings have far exceeded any loss. Brian and I still find time to connect and edify each other. I have also have not wearied of being a full-time mom. In fact, it is the most happiness I've felt in my entire life. It is a deep happiness that urges me to wake-up at my child's bidding, smile at nearly everything she does and praise God for such an intensely amazing blessing. What I can learn from that, is the fears and nervousness I am experiencing now, will work themselves out and I will, once again, be blessed in ways I can't foresee. I do ache to think of having to split my attention between two children. Until now, I've been able to hug Norah at her bidding, catch her often, before her falls, give her attention on her timeline. That all will change. It will be a growing, stretching, and learning period for us; to find a new balance with three during the day, rather than the usual two. I know it will be good. It will teach her sacrifice and love for others. It will teach her patience and kindness. However, the stretching experiences (although necessary and in the end, a blessing) will also inflict pain upon her and I don't look forward to that element.
So for the next 6 weeks, I will relish every moment with her- just the two of us. And then we will excitedly add baby boy to the mix. He will be another incredible blessing in our lives. I feel rich, very rich.

My pledge

Here is to new discoveries, about myself and life.
Here is to loving, regardless of the return.
Here is to the best person that ever happened to me.
Here is to loving my little more and more, everyday.
Here is to living for the growth and earned understanding.
And here is to God, for giving me everything that means anything.

To shot or not to shot

Since Norah was born, I have struggled, every Doctor's appointment, to give her the large amount of vaccines recommended by Doctors. We have not had any severe adverse reactions to vaccines. She has had some very minor ones, but nothing too worrisome. I felt however, frustrated with myself that I was allowing her to be vaccinated with dozens of different vaccines, while I stayed greatly uneducated about side-effects, possible severe adverse reactions and also the positive side of vaccines. So I recently have been trying to educate myself on vaccines, particularly before little boy comes. Now I have to be open and honest. I am not anti-vaccines. I am not pro-vaccines. Where I stand at this point, is pro-choice for the administration of my child's vaccines. I want to decide which vaccines my children receive and when they receive them. I believe strongly that our children receive too many vaccines at a time. I have yet to decide if I believe they should receive less, or not. The bottom line is that I feel uncomfortable with my lack of understanding and knowledge when it comes to vaccines. I have a feeling that I am not the only one of us, my friends, to feel that way. So, I wanted to share with you two resources that have been helpful recently, in my study:
-This is a link to a video that is (for the moment) free to view. I don't know how long that will be the case, so if you are interested, I'd jump on it. http://vimeo.com/31036452
As I watch the video, I feel it is for the most part, anti-vaccine or anti-some vaccines. So, be forewarned. However, it has opened my eyes and given me some information, I may not have otherwise received.
-I also have been reading a book, which I really like. It is called the Vaccine Book by Dr. Robert W. Sears. It is NOT an anti-vaccine book. Dr. Sears is in fact, a pediatrician who vaccinates his own children, but explains vaccines in more detail. He breaks down each vaccine, their components, potential adverse reactions, and the pros and cons of getting the vaccine. It has been VERY helpful in my learning process.

Anyway, I hope this is helpful to any of you with my same feelings. I would also be so grateful if you would pass on to me, any information or research you have done on vaccinations: the importance of and potential hazards of. Thanks!!!
love,
em

Thank you music

It is November, so I started listening to Christmas music, yesterday. Norah and I were loving it. We were listening to the song, "Mary did you know?" Although I've heard it before, I was so touched by the lyrics:

Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy
Would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy
Would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your Baby Boy
Has come to make you new;
This Child that you delivered
Will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy
Will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy
Will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know that your Baby Boy
Has walked where Angels trod?
When you kiss your Little Baby,
You kiss the Face of God!

Oh, Mary, did you know?
Oh, Mary, did you know?

The blind will see, the deaf will hear,
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak
The praises of the lamb!

Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy
Is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy
Will one day rule the nations?
Did you know that your Baby Boy
Is Heaven's Perfect Lamb?
This sleeping Child you're holding
Is the Great I Am!

Mary knew that the baby she carried was of God, as an angel revealed to her. However, I don't think she really had an understanding, in its entirety, what her Son would do for literally all mankind.

Listening to the song made me think of my baby boy and his unknown potential. I do not mean to compare him to our Savior and his incredible purpose. I do however, mean to compare the element of unknown. While pregnant, we have no idea who this little being will be nor what he is capable of. I am so excited to watch the development of my little boy, as I've watched the development as little Norah. I love the daily developments that are creating the foundation for who these children will be. Being a mother is one of the greatest gifts I've had in my life. I feel like I am starting to understand the purpose of the eternities as I experience motherhood. What an incredibly eye-opening experience.

Don't rush

Today I was reading about the birthing process. The thoughts of the woman writing seemed focused on allowing the body's natural process to take its time. The points she made were all seemingly self-explanatory, but contrary to the things I experienced by the doctors while birthing Norah. I was particularly naive and unassertive during her labor, resulting in some actions by the health caretakers that I do not care to let be repeated. The point of my thoughts is not to discuss Norah's birth, rather to express a concept that I believe can be detrimental to my life decisions and spiritual progression.
We often rush life's natural course out of convenience or discomfort. Can more be accomplished when actions are quicker? Absolutely, however it is often in our haste that we lose our opportunity for the greatest potential growth or life-altering decisions. We may have taken the speedway, but how much did we learn? What would have happened had the Lord told/shown the brother of Jared how to have light on their boats? What lessons would have been lost in the time saved? What would happen if I dressed Norah everyday, instead of letting her struggle with her pants, socks and shoes? Quicker is not always better.
The moral to my thoughts is: I don't want to rush. The lesson is in the struggle, the process and the time. I hope to remember that.

Why I love my life:

1 year

It has been one year since my Dad passed away. In some ways it has been the longest year of my life. In others, it has been a short blur. The best way to sum up my year is as follows: The first part of the year I mourned the absence of my Daddy; the second part of the year I mourned the loss of memory of my Daddy. The first statement is pretty self-explanatory. He was a giant in my life- a man I would call upon when I had doubts, questions or just to talk. When someone like that dies, there is a void in your life that feels like it will never be filled. The second part of the statement is my fault: "I mourned the loss of the memory of my Daddy." My dad was a man of records. He has journals, thought books, cds, talks and published books; all resources I could go to when I forget the sound of his voice, his inflections or even some of his often-shared quotes. However, I often found this painful in my grieving process, particularly to listen to his voice. It seemed to accentuate the pain of his absence and remind me of the fact that I couldn't talk to him. I hope to soon overcome this, as I yearn to hear him.
Amidst the pain, has come much growth. I've grown even closer to my best friend, Brian. He has wiped away tears that felt bottomless and often out of the blue. He's listened to my worries and pains with willing ears and and understanding heart. He's shared similar pains with me and it has brought us closer. I've grown closer to God and my appreciation for His great and flawless Plan has exponentially increased. I gained a greater appreciation for our time on earth and an understanding that it is short and fleeting. I've gained more compassion and understanding for friends who have also felt great losses in their lives. I have also gained strength from their examples.
This last weekend, I was in California with several of my siblings, celebrating Daddy's return to Heaven day (as named by the Jaggis). The week prior to the 15th was a rough week. I kept reliving (through dream a waking thought) the day of his passing and the night following. I worried what the 15th would be like. Well Norah, it was beautiful. It was full of thought and feeling of my Daddy. Liz and Mike hosted an art exhibit, featuring some of their works inspired by my dad, his life and his writings. It was a beautiful way to celebrate him and feel close to him. It was perhaps, a break through for me and my struggle in hearing his voice and reading his words. At the end of the night, we let go white balloons (a tradition started by the Jaggi's at their son Stewart's funeral and also done at my Dad's funeral.) We laughed when we remembered my Dad's comment, watching the balloons fly away at Stewart's funeral: "Look at those little sperms flying away." As I watched the white balloons fly on their black sky canvas, I had to chuckle that we were sending the balloons to him in Heaven when we know that the Spirit World is here, upon the earth. That chuckle however, turned into a re-realization (pretend that's a word): My Dad is close. I don't feel him everyday, or as often as I'd like, but he is close. The Spirit World is all around us. That is so comforting to me.
So, here is to another year, without my Daddy, but hopefully full of much growth. I want to listen to your voice this year Daddy, I want to continue to feel for you and see the unseen.

Why I believe or better yet, why I know.

When I was 14 and lived in Germany, my Dad would give firesides called "Why I Believe" around the Frankfurt Mission. Basically, it was a fireside with reasons to be a believer in Jesus Christ and His Gospel. In my life, I've often pondered about why I believe. I find it SO important to express this to those we love and even strangers. More importantly, we need to express it in general so we remember, realize and at sometimes even recognize that we actually do believe. Verbalization is sometimes a precursor to realization and knowledge.
The next many posts will be a verbalization of why I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This post will focus around "What is belief vs. What is knowledge?"
There have been various times in my life when I've been frustrated by the looseness of using the terms "I know" in reference to belief. I've even thought sometimes that it is not possible to "know" something without being able to see or prove it. I hope to express my findings in the correlation of a deep belief and knowledge of something. On my mission, when people asked how it was possible to know something we can't see, I always had the same answer. How do we know that there is wind or that we breathe air? We feel it. I don't see wind, but I feel it against my face. I don't see air but when I breathe in, I feel it filling my lungs and sustaining my existence. I know that air exists because I've had experiences with it that tell me so. Elder Monte J. Brough explained it much clearer than I:

"One time in Minnesota, where I served as mission president, we had a missionary fireside where at the end I used the words “I know” as I bore my testimony. An investigator came up to speak with me after the meeting was over. He said, “Unless I can touch, smell, hear, see, or taste, I do not believe.” He, of course, had listed the five physical senses, which are an integral part of our mortal and temporal beings. I asked him if he believed in radio signals or gravity or even Hong Kong.

There are many physical elements that exist but we cannot detect them without some additional processes being involved. My cell phone, radio, and other devices convince me that these extra sensory concepts also exist. I cannot see them, I cannot taste them, I cannot feel, hear, or smell them, but I know that they are there."
(Elder Monte J. Brough, "I Know What I Know;" Ensign, October 2009.)

From numerous communications with God, my belief has grown to a deep knowledge that He is real and that the Gospel is true. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin expounds on belief and knowledge. He references 2 Nephi 31:20:

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the world of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

He then says: "What we want is for that perfect brightness of hope to develop into a perfect knowledge, as testimony of the Savior and our Heavenly Father. And to me, that perfect knowledge is that we don't have a shadow of doubt... To know is to have an assurance, without a shadow of a doubt, that something is true."
("Hope and Faith: a discussion with Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin.")

I too believe that that perfect brightness of hope can develop into a perfect knowledge. I've seen that knowledge stay strong at times where my foundation could have crumbled. That knowledge has sustained me as the winds of adversity and the battles of life have confronted me. I believe that a belief would not have sustained me through some experiences I've had, because I believe that doubt would have trickled in and weakened the foundation of my belief.

I know that God is real. I know that He answers prayers. I know that I will be reunited with Him and my loved ones after this life. I know the Restored Gospel and all that accompanies it, is directly from God.

So the journey of why I believe has begun.